The Art of Loving Disallowance: Setting Healthy Boundaries

When someone mentions setting “boundaries” these days I automatically think about a very high wall with a very large mote and crocodiles and leeches in the water, giving the message of ‘Go away I am not interested in anything you are selling”.

This absolutely does not have to be the case at all.  We can set some happy and healthy boundaries by thinking more along the lines of “loving disallowance.”

What does that even mean?

"Loving disallowance" is a term that refers to the practice of setting and maintaining boundaries in a caring, compassionate, and respectful manner.

In "loving disallowance," the emphasis is on open and honest communication, empathy, and mutual understanding, rather than strict or authoritarian control. It promotes the idea that boundaries can be set and enforced without being harsh or unkind, leading to more balanced, harmonious, and trusting relationships. That sounds nice, doesn't it?? If I think about conversations that I have with family or my collogues, I don't want boundaries to feel like a set of rules but more like a respectful conversation.

Healthy boundaries are a cornerstone of personal well-being and harmonious relationships. They key word here being “harmonious”. Boundary setting does not have to be harsh, it can be a mutual understanding between two people about what is ok and what is not ok to have a great interaction, whether that interaction be personal or professional.

You see, boundaries are like the guardrails on the road of life, defining how we want to be treated by others, what works and what doesn't work. Whether it's with family, friends, romantic partners, or colleagues, these limits are the unwritten rules that guide our interactions.

Why are these boundaries so vital, you ask? Setting boundaries is your golden ticket to prioritising self-care, preserving your precious time, energy, and emotional well-being. It's all about finding that sweet spot between giving and receiving, leading to more balanced relationships.

Communicating your needs and limits clearly, allows you to build a framework for open and respectful communication, reducing conflicts, enhancing understanding, and nurturing trust and intimacy.

In the words of Brene Brown “Clear is Kind”.  I love a bit of Brene in my day, don’t you??

While she may have made this concept popular, it's essential to note that the idea of clarity, transparency and being kind in communication, has been a recurring theme for a very long time in the fields of psychology, leadership, and personal development.

It emphasises the importance of being honest, open, and straightforward in our interactions with others leading to better understanding, trust, and healthier relationships.

Let's have a look at some tips for setting some healthy boundaries:

 1.    Self-awareness:

Before you can set boundaries, take some time to really understand your own needs, values, and limits. Reflect on what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable in your relationships. Be aware of any triggers that you have that may evoke strong emotions or reactions.

2.    Open and honest communication:

Choose the right time and place to have a calm and honest conversation about what is ok and what is not ok. Avoid discussing important matters during heated arguments or when emotions are running high. If this happens then its best to come back later. Trust me your relationship will thank you!

3.    Use "I" statements:

Express your needs and boundaries using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, "I need some time to do the things that help me recharge," rather than, "You're suffocating me." (probably not helpful!).

4.    Be specific:

Clearly articulate your boundaries, making them as specific as possible. Vague boundaries can lead to misunderstandings. For instance, instead of saying, "I need more space," specify what that means, such as, (personal) "I'd like to have a few hours to myself each week, where I can do the things that make me happy" or (professional) "I would love to take on that project, what would you like me to prioritise?"

5.    Listen actively:

Encourage open communication by listening to the other person's perspective and respecting their boundaries as well. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect for each other's needs. Relationships are not a one way, take it or leave it, street.

6.    Understanding outcomes:

It's important to establish what will happen when boundaries are not respected. Make sure these are reasonable and proportionate to the situation. Understanding outcomes can help reinforce the importance of your boundaries.

7.    Be consistent:

Consistency is key to maintaining healthy boundaries. Stick to the limits you've set and ensure that you and the other person respect them consistently over time. If you are all over the place with your boundaries, then it is going to be difficult to be clear with the other person.  When you demonstrate a healthy respect for the boundaries of those close to you, you create an environment where mutual respect is more likely to flourish.

8.    Seek support if needed:

If you're finding it challenging to set and maintain clearly defined boundaries, consider seeking support from a third person who can provide guidance and strategies for doing so effectively.

9.    Be patient and flexible:

Recognise that setting boundaries is an ongoing process. People and circumstances change, so be open to reevaluating and adjusting your boundaries when necessary. Flexibility and compromise are valuable in maintaining healthy relationships.

10. Practice self-care:

Remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, and it's essential for your well-being. Don't feel guilty for prioritising your own needs and boundaries in your relationships. If you are clear and respectful, there is no need for guilt.

Overall, when you are setting boundaries, just remember to check your tone. It’s not all about the words you use but how you sound when you use them. Remember clear is kind not cruel and ensuring that your boundaries are respected or followed does not have to be done in an authoritarian way.